so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I have fence marks all over my body
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
