This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just blew my weed a kiss
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
