Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
