why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
