We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
