My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
