HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
