Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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