At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you traded sex for a burrito?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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