I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
