Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
