Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
