I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
smell my finger.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
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he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
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Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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