I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
