this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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