I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
