Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
