My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
This is the high leading the old right now
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
