my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
