In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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