We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
