I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
