i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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