I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
