at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
