How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
