i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
