Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
