Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
