The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You have to summon your inner elephant
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
