i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
