My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
