my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
