yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Buhtt sex?
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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