Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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