You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
