Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
