I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
