No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
