I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
