I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
