imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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