dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
How does one acquire holy water?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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