i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
