youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
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after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My breasts were aching with rage.
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I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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