I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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