life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize