I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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