But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
