between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
