I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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