Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
