I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
