he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Dick very happy bro
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
