I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
