i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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