im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You don't make any sense
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