there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
