apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
