I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
